Was absolutely knackered when I

Was absolutely knackered when I got home last night. I could barely keep my eyes open. Went straight to bed after Maghrib prayers.. woke up at half past five this morning for Isya’ prayers feeling hell of a lot more refreshed. Long day ahead though today – need to get my x-ray done, then bank in some cash and pay for the car.. lunch with Syuk and Nina this midday.. potentially dinner with Fisz and K. Ina tonight. In between that I need to pack and repack, make sure all the documents are in order and all that too. Two more days.. urghhhh!

About a week ago I felt a twinge of sadness for having had to leave a life I had gotten accustomed to for a year.. not so much the life at Muadzam but leaving the students I had become to think of as my little brothers and sisters. But that quickly turned to joy as I realised I would not have to brave the morning dawns to drive to Muadzam any more – well.. for 3 years at least.

Thinking about England got me pretty excited.. ever since being posted to Muadzam I’d been facing some minor health problems.. perhaps due to the way I internalised stress and my workaholic work ethics.. I used to arrive at work before 7am and stayed on until 9pm; basically because there wasn’t much else left to do. Not to mention the added pressure of workplace politics and the management; well, it all came in a nice neat little package that was sure to drive me to an asylum had I not deviced a way to leave.

So England is good. In a way. My ultimate aim is to come back and work in KL or the Klang Valley; while Lancaster is not as near to Bangi as Muadzam Shah is, it is a means of getting there. Ironic, really.. in my quest to leave the place, I sent myself 7,000 miles away. But England has always been a place of solace for me; perhaps this time it could play the role of healer.

Will be presenting the paper

Will be presenting the paper today. Am thinking if I should start the presentation with a statement like “Please don’t shoot me” or something like that.. I am admittedly quite nervous!

Went out for dinner last night with Shick, Aca and Fisz.. on the way back I can’t remember what wrong turning I took; but I ended up taking an alternative road to Kajang which bypassed two ‘townships’ where two people that mean something to me live. One, a person whom I want but I know I can never get (unless he decides to ‘change’); and secondly someone who meant a lot to me in the past; and perhaps may still mean something, albeit in a subliminal way.

Right.. off to KL now. Will update later, energy and time willing.

Just finished preparing the slides

Just finished preparing the slides for my paper presentation on Wednesday. Having bad dreams about what the clever people will try and ask me; and how I will fail to answer most of their questions, and my academic career would then be in tatters due to awful bashing I am about to receive.

I really, honestly do have some more clever things to say and witty things to write – I have yet to blabber on about my great novel that I am about to write this November, for one – but every time I get a go on the computer, either everyone is around me; or by the time everyone’s everywhere else, I am too knackered to stay long here. As is the case at this very moment.

With which I shall withdraw and catch some shut eye.

Many apologies for being a right bore at this moment. The word ‘hectic’ doesn’t even begin to describe my life this week.

This here is a piece

This here is a piece I wrote during the earlier days of my posting to Muadzam Shah. It was musings like this – and others like it – that got me started on the whole weblog thing.

Wednesday, January 16, 2002
Every Monday morning, I drive my weathered, beaten Kancil through the hills and valleys of Negeri Sembilan, before trekking across the lorry infested Felda roads that lead me to my destination in Muadzam Shah, Pahang. It is an almost routine pilgrimage; one I do without fail, and one I do alone.

It is not the most pleasant of journeys. There is not much of a view for me to appreciate, and nothing really happens amidst the masses of oil palm trees, fruits ripe for the picking. But I have come to appreciate this, because it gives me time to think and reflect when I am not busy trying to evade crazy lorry drivers who insist on driving in the middle of the road.

I turn 25 this year. And I have come to realise that I am now a long long way from the image that I always see myself as – that of a fresh-faced 17 year old, somewhat cynical but ready to take on the world. Suffice to say, in between those eight years, the world has taken me on and it has won. I have wrestled and grappled with the cards that life has thrown at me, and while there have been times I have emerged victorious, those times are far and few in between. Life’s Lesson that I didn’t learn in STF Number 1: You
never get what you want. You may think you have gotten it, but the packaging looks better than what’s on the inside.

I think about things and I realise that there are moments which I forgot to capture that may never arise again. Pictures I forgot to take, people I forgot to write to, phone numbers I forgot to ask for. I think about my life when I was in high school. Running around in my white and turqoise uniform, juggling 9 unrelated subjects which to me was the greatest burden alive ( I still think it is). I think about myself when I was in university, and when I was in England.

But most of all, my solitary morning drives allow me to think about things I forgot I ever thought about. Things that I may have repressed in my memory, or things I were repressed due to situations. Past dreams, past inspirations, past ambitions that have fallen by the wayside. I think about my innocence lost, and a longing to revisit it again.

I stop at a traffic light near a school. A group of primary students are lined up in the school field, looking restless as they listen to the headmaster droning on and on endlessly. I smile to myself. It sure has been a while.

Wow! It’s been hectic all

Wow! It’s been hectic all the way since I came back to Bangi on Wednesday. Spent most of yesterday going around KL.. meeting up with people I haven’t seen in a long time. Had lunch with Pn Kamariah, who, from being the academic advisor for our degree program, is now a colleague teaching in the same university. Then I went on to the NST because I told Hisham I wanted to see him before I went off.. also managed to see Auntie Fati, Arni and Alam who managed to offset the effects of a receding hairline with a nice pair of glasses – he actually looked a bit more intelligent than usual Also managed to pop down to Kinokuniya KLCC to get something to read

Today I managed to make Fisz take the day off to go shopping with me.. hehehe.. we had to drop by to Taman Maluri first to return the Mr Accounting books (with the correct amount of money, this time!).. then called Ima at Maybank to ask her to join us for lunch.. then we came back to Bangi and I went to get my glasses done. Will be going out again tonight with Ramzi & Co. as a farewell thingi.

I do have a few issues and reflections I want to jot down right now, but am a bit pressed for time. Perhaps I’ll be able to when I get back tonight, Insyaallah. Failing that, tomorrrow, because I am not expected at Izie’s until 2pm tomorrow!

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku, Hari

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku,

Hari ini aku bersyukur kepadaMu kerana:

selama setahun Kau pelihara perjalananku pergi dan kembali ; sentiasa dalam keadaan sempurna pergi dan sampaiku

selama setahun Kau berikan aku kekuatan untuk terus melangkah walaupun aku tidak mampu melihat penghujung jalan

selama empat bulan Kau teguhkan semangatku menempuhi dugaan yang lahir dan yang batin

selama empat bulan Kau kurniakan aku kesempurnaan akal untuk melawan musuh musuh tersirat

selama setahun Kau anugerahkan aku kesabaran untuk menjadi laskar dalam percaturan orang lain

selama dua puluh lima tahun Kau tidak lupakan aku, walaupun aku sering kali lalai dengan tanggungjawabku kepadaMu

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku
Aku bersyukur atas rezeki yang Kau kurniakan kepadaku
Aku memohon rezeki yang lepas Kau halalkan, rezeki yang ada Kau kekalkan, dan rezeki yang akan datang Kau limpahkan

Amin

At 1500 hours…

At 1500 hours I drove my trustee steed out of the campus compound. At approximately 1744 hours, my trustee steed was steered into our driveway in Bandar Baru Bangi. I thought this day would never come; but it finally is here. No more having to wake up pre-dawn on Monday mornings to brave Bukit Putus and Keratong. No more playing hide and seek wanting to leave the office an hour or two earlier on Friday. No more having to go to sleep at 2100 hours on Sunday night in fear of being drowsy during the next morning’s drive. No more counting the days till Friday. No more Muadzam Shah 🙂

For the next 3 years, at least.

hey hey.. last day in

hey hey.. last day in muadzam hey hey.. yahooooooo!

Okie dokie. Finally managed to

Okie dokie. Finally managed to put the links up onto the web. For those of you who are on that list and are wondering in what order of preference I put you in, well, it was the order in which you stumbled onto my web and signed my guestbook. So it is is guestbookological order. OK?

Finally, a few seconds to

Finally, a few seconds to myself. The room is on the verge of being emptied. I’ve segregated everything according to where they go – back to the students, to other lecturers, or into my car. All that is left to do is to pick them up and send them where they belong. (Easier said than done, of course).

The weekend, as my blog can attest, was not the best. Spent most of it recuperating; am gladly better now – to all the well-wishers, thanks for your kind thoughts. Apparently, in my absence yesterday, there was another break in. This time during the day. Of course, nothing was done. Because nothing was stolen and no one was hurt. Oh well. They can carry on their nonchalant attitude regarding all this. This will sound infinitely selfish, but I’m glad I’ll be gone. Usually I’ll be the gung ho, stand-up-for-your-rights-person, and I’ll do the standing up for you and me and everyone in between. But I’ve lost it since July, and things have made me grown older in an irreversible way.

But there is little to gain from dwelling on the past; so we’ll move on.